Posts Tagged ‘Coping with ADD/ADHD’

One major problem in married adults with ADD/ADHD is that those of us with ADD/ADHD sometimes are blind to the plight of our spouse.

We See the World Differently

Recently, I discovered a difference in my husband and I that shocked me.

You see, I have my whole life planned out. I know exactly what I want, I set goals to try to reach them, and I will fight until I meet the goal I set for myself. Anything not in that plan upsets me.

My husband on the other hand, is content, always. He doesn’t like to plan his life. He calls me a “dreamer” and considers himself to “live in the now”. Thinking ahead is pointless to him, because it isn’t what is happening.

It Causes Frustrations

This past week I was hired as a ghost writer; my first real job writing. I was so excited. I desired the occupation of “writer” since I was a youngster. Blame JK Rowling, George Orwell, and perhaps a hair of the ten-thousand other books I’ve devoured in my lifetime.

This new job of mine is a side thing, it pays well and I am in no way quitting my teaching job… but I plan to eventually. Hopefully, I will eventually have my own business and take over the world (well, that may be planning too far ahead).

My lovely husband, who is fundamentally different than me, did not see this in the same light as me.

First he couldn’t understand how I could ever make any money writing. Naturally, I was fully up-to-date on the latest and greatest research and told him the going rate. He still refused to believe me, saying, “I’ll believe it when I see it.”

That would be that live in the now mindset.

Then, when I was so excited and showed him that I could make money writing, he suddenly had a new worry.

“How are you going to do taxes?”

Valid question. I set off immediately to figure that out, calling the best expert I know and researching, researching, researching. In less than 24 hours after he posed that question, I set up a folder for receipts, I opened a separate checking account, I found billing templates and information, and I was ready to write.

I then told Jake about how it all worked.

He flat-out told me he didn’t think I could do it.

I was devastated. At first.

I don’t think he believes that, exactly. I didn’t believe his apology after I became quite angry and hurt at his words; especially since I was working so hard to accomplish my goals.

What I think happened is that I wasn’t sensitive to the way he views the world.

His coping skills are separate than mine. My ADD/ADHD brain that was in hyper-drive and was rushing to and fro frantically trying to carry out a future goal overwhelmed him.

In all reality, I think he was upset that things were changing. That the plan he envisioned (which is one of things never being any different than they are now) is not something he can control by simply living.

A home-grown business requires planning, it requires thought processes to figure out where you have to go from here. Perhaps that overwhelms him, just as not knowing can overwhelm me.

He works with my faults and differences.

Now maybe I need to learn how to work with his.

It is my business after all, he doesn’t tell me every aspect of his job, maybe I simply shouldn’t tell him every aspect of mine.

“I took care of it.”

That is probably the only thing he was looking for. Instead he got the who, what, when, where, why, how, and all the details in between—information overload. My brain wants that information, his rejects it.

Learning differences is the key trait in trying to make a marriage work, especially in adults with ADD/ADHD. Understanding what I did wrong is the way to change it. Such is life.

Lesson learned.

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